Have you ever had one of those moments when you should be doing something important (like studying for a test or reading something for class, etc.) but you just don't want to do it? Yeah, I'm feeling like that right now. I'm supposed to be reading a 20 something page short story by Eudora Welty for a lit class...but I'm not interested in it. Yeah, I know I'm a Mississippian, but I'm sorry, I'm no Eudora Welty fan. Her work is mostly boring to me and it doesn't make much sense. She goes all the way around the world and I lose track of the point of the story. I'd rather read Flannery O'Conner, which isn't saying much because I don't care for her work either, but the two authors are similar and given a choice between the two of them, I pick O'Conner.
Anyway................
I hope to have an easy week. I'm done with my news reading for the radio this semester, so that means I'll get home on tuesdays at 4:00. YAY!! That makes 2 days a week that I get home before like 7!
I really shouldn't complain. I'm glad I'm able to take the classes I'm taking (even though it's 18 hours) because there is a SLIM chance I MAY get to graduate ON TIME. I'm also thankful I have a job, even though it takes a lot of time out of me, because so many people don't have jobs or any source of income. Even if I didn't have a job, I know daddy would still pay all of my bills but it's nice to be able to handle some of them myself. I like feeling like a big girl. :)
I'm still worried about fundraising and coming up with all of this money for my summer mission trip. It's almost time to have all the money turned in and over half of it is still not here. Although that's bothering me, I know that God will provide it... He's just teaching me some lessons in the process... mainly FAITH and PATIENCE. I have trouble trusting in things I can't see. I don't see the money right now, so it's hard having faith that it will all be there when the time comes for it to all be turned in. I want it to all be there now, but God is bringing it in slowly. A little here, a little there. But all in all, the little amounts add up. I've really gone out of my comfort zone with my fundraising. It's obvious God wanted me to do that. He will provide the funds, but I had to be proactive. It's just discouraging when my efforts all seem to fail... I know they haven't "failed," it's just that results are coming at a really really really slow pace. It's almost crunch time and I'm not seeing many results from any of my efforts. Maybe that's my problem. I'm putting too much emphasis on "me." I went out on a limb to send letters and make contacts. I designed the t-shirt that I'm really trying to sell as a fundraiser. I put on the garage sale. "I" "I" "I" "I." I need to let go of myself and just put it in God's hands. I realize that I by myself am not going to come up with all of this money. It's waaaay out of my league. It's going to take more than what a mere person like myself can do on her own. It's going to take a divine intervention- something that only God can do. I've got to let go... take my hands off of it... understand that I have done all I can do... and let Him handle the rest. He tells us not to worry, that it's all in His hands anyway. I just need to take a deep breath, let go of my worries and shortcomings, and place it in His hands. I must get to the point to where I can say "I'm done. I let it go."
Here's my prayer:
Lord, I realize there is no way I can do this on my own. I have done all that I can and I see few results. I've tried for too long to handle it on my own, and that has all been foolish. I've placed too much emphasis on myself and trusted in my own efforts instead of Yours. For that, I am deeply sorry. I know that with You all things are possible and that if this is Your will that I go on this mission trip this summer, then You will provide all that I need. I'm taking my hands off of it. I'm giving it to You. I pray that You will help me to have faith and to remember this prayer whenever I start to doubt or worry about funds coming in. You will provide it in Your time, not mine if this is indeed Your will. I also ask that You help me to remember this prayer whenever I start to take matters into my own hands again. Help me to remember that I gave this burden to You, and there's no reason for me to worry about it anymore. Thank you for using this experience to teach me and to grow my faith. It's so wonderful how You have such a purpose in every little thing. Thank you for this chance to serve You this summer, and to tell others about You and the things You do that simply amaze me. I love you, Lord. I place this in Your hands.
In Your name,
Amen
Peace and much love,
B
Monday, April 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Hard to believe
I've really been thinking a lot about my trip this summer. It overwhelms me to think that I will be going in less than 3 months! That's less than 3 months to finshing fundraising, get stuff together, and GET MYSELF READY! Am I ready to spend a month in a foreign country away from everyone I know? Am I ready to face the trials that are going to come along with all of this? How will these people accept me as a member of their community? I DON'T SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE! God has a purpose. He called me to this. I distinctly remember the 3 times I almost backed out of the whole thing. Every time something physically blocked me from taking my name off the list. I went to the interview. I was accepted. I'm going. I still have hurdles to overcome though. Theres a ton of money I still have to raise... It seems like it will never happen. But I know God will provide it. Everything belongs to Him anyway. He'll spread it to where He needs it to go. Right now that seems like one of the biggest obstacles. Mission trips are expensive. Even with the mission board helping me out I still have to raise a lot of the funds on my own. It's something I'm really praying about. Its so easy to have faith when you see the whole road in front of you. Its when you can't see a path that faith is hard. Its also easy to believe something in your head. Believing with your heart is another story. That's my current struggle, and I don't mind admitting that I have many struggles and faults. I know I'm not alone.
So here is my prayer:
Lord, I know You hold all things in Your hands. Nothing is too difficult for You. You also know that I am human and I am very frail. My faith falters so many times. I ask You to provide for me where You see necessary. It all belongs to You anyway, and I believe You will provide for my needs as You see fit. I am going on this trip in Your name, and I want You to recieve all of the glory from it. You have given me gifts and I want to share them with others and in the process, bring others to You. I know You are giving me these trials to increase my faith, and I pray that You will help me to increase in my faith and grow in You. Thank you for all of your many blessings. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Peace and much love,
-B
So here is my prayer:
Lord, I know You hold all things in Your hands. Nothing is too difficult for You. You also know that I am human and I am very frail. My faith falters so many times. I ask You to provide for me where You see necessary. It all belongs to You anyway, and I believe You will provide for my needs as You see fit. I am going on this trip in Your name, and I want You to recieve all of the glory from it. You have given me gifts and I want to share them with others and in the process, bring others to You. I know You are giving me these trials to increase my faith, and I pray that You will help me to increase in my faith and grow in You. Thank you for all of your many blessings. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Peace and much love,
-B
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Catching up on a few things...
Ok, so it occured to me today that it's literally been forever since I updated this thing. I know I said that I was going to update it atleast weekly, but as you can see... that didn't happen... Ha. Anyway, life's crazy, who wouldn't agree with me there?
Let's see...
18 hours of school each week... (that's 6 classes and one is Shakespeare, so that counts as like 3 classes in one)
10 hours of work each week
random times I have to write for the newspaper and or yearbook (which I love)
doing radio work for my Journalism 272 class (which I also love)
studying (and reading Shakespeare (like) and or random American lit books (boring, so don't like) for my lit class)
Bible study (that's my brief moment of sanity)
trying to go to the gym. (yeah, I laughed when I typed that...)
Yeah, life's crazy.
But regardless, it goes on. I've had so many good ideas lately to blog about, but found no time to get on here and write them. :( I have awful time management skills.
So here goes my attempt at a blog for tonight.
"Let your beauty not be external- the braiding of hair and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes- but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4
Let's see...
18 hours of school each week... (that's 6 classes and one is Shakespeare, so that counts as like 3 classes in one)
10 hours of work each week
random times I have to write for the newspaper and or yearbook (which I love)
doing radio work for my Journalism 272 class (which I also love)
studying (and reading Shakespeare (like) and or random American lit books (boring, so don't like) for my lit class)
Bible study (that's my brief moment of sanity)
trying to go to the gym. (yeah, I laughed when I typed that...)
Yeah, life's crazy.
But regardless, it goes on. I've had so many good ideas lately to blog about, but found no time to get on here and write them. :( I have awful time management skills.
So here goes my attempt at a blog for tonight.
SELF IMAGE
Me at age 4. I did my make-up myself... My daddy thought I was beautiful.. :)
I've written about it before... I did a bible study on it... but it's still something that plagues me and I know I'm definantly not alone. Self image is something I struggle with everyday, and every day I have to pray for God to help me find satisfaction in the way that He made me. For example, I found myself spending like $20 tonight on beauty supplies... What the heck? I went in Walmart to get one thing and come out with a whole lot more. And that's not the first time. I almost bought a beauty magazine to go along with it, but I came to my senses and put it back on the shelf. As a woman, I know I'm not alone when I say that beauty really does seem like everything sometimes. People can tell you you're beautiful all the time but sometimes you just don't see it. You don't feel it and until you do, you feel pretty worthless. But why do we feel worthless? Is it because of what we see on tv? Satan makes us feel that way. He knows that's a place where women are vulnerable. If he can make us feel self concious about the way we look, we'll take our focus off of God and put it on ourselves instead.
I've gotten to where I feel pretty guilty after I say I'm ugly or not good enough or something negative like that. It's like God's reminding me "Hey, I made you. You're made in My image Beth and I'm not ugly. I took time to craft you Myself in your mother's womb, giving you unique qualities that mirror Me. You're my artwork, and everything I make is beautiful because I make no mistakes. You're exactly how I wanted you to be and I have a purpose for you the way you are."
It's neat to think that as humans we are made in God's image. We have qualities that reflect His. We women have something uniquely special special about us that men don't have. We have certain characteristics of God's heart that set us apart. We reflect the softer side of the heart of God. Whereas men have His strength and His leadership, we have His gentleness and His loving mercy. There's a reason why daddies are the head of a household and mommies are the heart. We even have something unique inside us that gives us the ability to sustain life. It's so beautiful to think about.
So am I going to go to bed tonight thinking I'm ugly? No. Will I wake up tomorrow thinking negative things about myself? Possibly. But I can rest assured that God will replace those negative thoughts that Satan throws at me with the positive reassurance that I am absolutely perfect and absolutely beautiful the way I am. The way He made me. In His image. "Let your beauty not be external- the braiding of hair and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes- but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4
Friday, January 8, 2010
I thought this was important...
Ok, so I already posted once today, but I thought this was important. It was something I read during my bible study and it convicted me, so I thought I would share it. It is something a lot of us struggle with, and I will be the first to admit it is something I REALLY have a hard time with. I know it is wrong, it is a sin, and it is one of my weakest points. That's why I'm sharing it. The problem is gossip, and I know that I am NOT alone with this struggle.
Have you every really thought about how powerful words are? They really do have the power to either build up or rip apart. I've had people tell me encouraging things that make my heart soar, and I've had people tell me things that have shattered my heart into pieces. Likewise, I have both encouragd and ripped apart other people. It is also ironic that we praise God with the same tongue that we curse others with? With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. James 3:9-10. We do this, and yet He loves us just the same and forgives us- not because we deserve it- but because He is just that kind. It amazes me. But why exactly do we gossip? Maybe because in some twisted way, tearing others down makes us feel better about ourselves. Maybe we do it because we think we won't get caught. Maybe we do it out of anger an frustration. But regardless of the reason, gossip never has good consequences. The things we say to eachother in secret will eventually be broadcasted for everyone to hear, and that can be embarrassing. Luke 12:2-3 hit me pretty hard. It states: "The time is coming when everything will be revealed; all that is secret will be made public. Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear." We lose credibility when we gossip, and people tend to stop trusting us. I learned this lesson the hard way in the 7th grade when a friend and I started talking about a girl that sat near us at the lunch table. For some reason, we thought we were just a little bit "better" than this girl and we would make fun of her. 90% of the stuff we said about her we made up and the 10% that was true, we had no business talking about. I remember when that girl found out what all we said about her, and how it made me feel. Talking about her wasn't worth it and I ruined the chance of ever being friends with her. I'm sure to this day she hates me, but I wouldn't know because I lost all contact with her. I still regret that. Gossip has its consequences.
The way we speak says a lot about us. Do we show people that we are Christians with the way we talk? I know I don't sometimes. According to James 1:26, the Christian who doesn't control his tongue is just fooling himself, and his religion is not worth very much to him. That stings alittle. I know it isn't about religion, it's about the relationship we have with Christ. But in the same way, the Christian who doesn't watch what he says is showing other people that his relationship with Jesus isn't worth much to him. Is that the way we should treat the One who died for us?
So what is the secret to avoid gossiping? Jesus said that whatever is in our hearts will eventually come out of our mouths. (Luke 6:45) So we should not think evil of one another. This is the only way we can overcome the tendancy to speak negatively of one another. Since we cannot change our own hearts, we should ask God to change our hearts for us like David did in Psalm 51:10. He asked for a clean heart and a renewed spirit.
When we are the victims of gossip, we must remember not to repay evil for evil. Instead of retaliating, we should pay them back with a blessing. I know this is hard, but God will bless us for it.
I will leave you with this thought that comes from Proverbs 18:8 of the Message: Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy. Do you really want junk like that in your belly?
Here is my prayer:
Lord, I am so sorry for all the times I have torn someone apart with my words. Not only does it dishonor You, but it inflicts pain upon them. Please forgive me. Please change my heart and make it clean, and help me not to think evil of others. Let the words that come from my mouth bring praise and be pleasing to You. Please guard my mouth and tongue and let me think of You whenever I am tempted to gossip. Likewise, help me to be forgiving whenever someone gossips about me. Give me the ability to repay them with a blessing rather than retaliation. Help me to grow closer to You and to be a Christ-like example to others.
Amen
Until next time, peace and much love
-B
Have you every really thought about how powerful words are? They really do have the power to either build up or rip apart. I've had people tell me encouraging things that make my heart soar, and I've had people tell me things that have shattered my heart into pieces. Likewise, I have both encouragd and ripped apart other people. It is also ironic that we praise God with the same tongue that we curse others with? With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. James 3:9-10. We do this, and yet He loves us just the same and forgives us- not because we deserve it- but because He is just that kind. It amazes me. But why exactly do we gossip? Maybe because in some twisted way, tearing others down makes us feel better about ourselves. Maybe we do it because we think we won't get caught. Maybe we do it out of anger an frustration. But regardless of the reason, gossip never has good consequences. The things we say to eachother in secret will eventually be broadcasted for everyone to hear, and that can be embarrassing. Luke 12:2-3 hit me pretty hard. It states: "The time is coming when everything will be revealed; all that is secret will be made public. Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear." We lose credibility when we gossip, and people tend to stop trusting us. I learned this lesson the hard way in the 7th grade when a friend and I started talking about a girl that sat near us at the lunch table. For some reason, we thought we were just a little bit "better" than this girl and we would make fun of her. 90% of the stuff we said about her we made up and the 10% that was true, we had no business talking about. I remember when that girl found out what all we said about her, and how it made me feel. Talking about her wasn't worth it and I ruined the chance of ever being friends with her. I'm sure to this day she hates me, but I wouldn't know because I lost all contact with her. I still regret that. Gossip has its consequences.
The way we speak says a lot about us. Do we show people that we are Christians with the way we talk? I know I don't sometimes. According to James 1:26, the Christian who doesn't control his tongue is just fooling himself, and his religion is not worth very much to him. That stings alittle. I know it isn't about religion, it's about the relationship we have with Christ. But in the same way, the Christian who doesn't watch what he says is showing other people that his relationship with Jesus isn't worth much to him. Is that the way we should treat the One who died for us?
So what is the secret to avoid gossiping? Jesus said that whatever is in our hearts will eventually come out of our mouths. (Luke 6:45) So we should not think evil of one another. This is the only way we can overcome the tendancy to speak negatively of one another. Since we cannot change our own hearts, we should ask God to change our hearts for us like David did in Psalm 51:10. He asked for a clean heart and a renewed spirit.
When we are the victims of gossip, we must remember not to repay evil for evil. Instead of retaliating, we should pay them back with a blessing. I know this is hard, but God will bless us for it.
I will leave you with this thought that comes from Proverbs 18:8 of the Message: Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy. Do you really want junk like that in your belly?
Here is my prayer:
Lord, I am so sorry for all the times I have torn someone apart with my words. Not only does it dishonor You, but it inflicts pain upon them. Please forgive me. Please change my heart and make it clean, and help me not to think evil of others. Let the words that come from my mouth bring praise and be pleasing to You. Please guard my mouth and tongue and let me think of You whenever I am tempted to gossip. Likewise, help me to be forgiving whenever someone gossips about me. Give me the ability to repay them with a blessing rather than retaliation. Help me to grow closer to You and to be a Christ-like example to others.
Amen
Until next time, peace and much love
-B
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Finally!
It's been a few weeks, but I'm finally back online and able to update. I live out in the sticks where wireless internet doesn't reach, so for the last year or so I have been dependent on a wireless device that I stick into my usb port in order to be connected to the internet. This posed a problem a few weeks ago when the unreliable, stupid device decided to break. The only hopes I've had for getting online have been when my brother was kind enough to let me borrow his iphone (a rare occurance... it only happened when the stars were aligned a certian way and the moon grew pink and purple polka dots) or when I would take the time to drive 15 minutes into town and sit in the parking lot of MCallisters or Subway and pick up their WiFi. Since it has been freezing or below the last several nights and I've been lazy, I haven't done that, so I pretty much gave up on the internet. That is until today. I'm able to be on right now via dial-up, and it stinks because it's as slow as a turtle stuck in peanut butter, but atleast it's something. I can't complain. Soooo.... This has been my life since my last update.
I was supposed to take a winter session english class, but since it required a lot more reading than I was willing to do, I dropped it. That gave me two more weeks to sit around the house and pretty much be a bum. A clean bum. I shower daily. I just don't do much else. :) I'm prepping my body for the long, 18 hour semester ahead. I know I shouldn't complain. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to go to college and get an education because so many people are not able to do that. That's just one of the many blessings God as given me.
Speaking of blessings, I am doing summer missions again. :) It was something I struggled with for a while because to be honest, I didn't want to go off again for the summer. With daddy being sick, I didn't want to go off and leave him for a whole summer, and I really wanted to do an internship and get some work experience in journalism. At the same time. I felt led to do summer missions and I enjoyed last summer, and I wanted to do it again. So I started praying. I prayed that if God didn't want me to do it, then He would start shutting the door. I've always believed that if you feel led to do something, pursue it until God Himself throws up a roadblock and stops you. God did nothing but open doors for me. He provided me with a missions position inwhich I can earn school credit and serve Him at the same time. I will be working in journalism/media field and it will be 4 weeks instead of 8 or 10. The scary part: it's international. I've never been out of the United States (with the exception of Canada) and with all of this terrorist stuff you hear all over the news, the thought of an international flight scares me. I'm accepting this call though, and I will go. I trust God to take care of me provide everything I need to get ready for this trip. Because it is a restricted area where the country's government does not allow missionaries or pastors to go, I cannot write on here where I am going this summer. It is in Europe, but that is really all I can say. I really can't put on here what all I will be doing either, but please remember this project in your prayers. I will have partners and I will be working with a local supervisor there. It is exciting, but at the same time, it is alittle scary. I know God must have something big planned for this summer because I can already feel Satan trying to mess with me and do all he can to prevent me from going. I'm warding him off with prayer. We'll see how things go, it's a long time from now until this summer.
I hope to continue updating regularly. Until next time, peace and much love. :)
-B
I was supposed to take a winter session english class, but since it required a lot more reading than I was willing to do, I dropped it. That gave me two more weeks to sit around the house and pretty much be a bum. A clean bum. I shower daily. I just don't do much else. :) I'm prepping my body for the long, 18 hour semester ahead. I know I shouldn't complain. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to go to college and get an education because so many people are not able to do that. That's just one of the many blessings God as given me.
Speaking of blessings, I am doing summer missions again. :) It was something I struggled with for a while because to be honest, I didn't want to go off again for the summer. With daddy being sick, I didn't want to go off and leave him for a whole summer, and I really wanted to do an internship and get some work experience in journalism. At the same time. I felt led to do summer missions and I enjoyed last summer, and I wanted to do it again. So I started praying. I prayed that if God didn't want me to do it, then He would start shutting the door. I've always believed that if you feel led to do something, pursue it until God Himself throws up a roadblock and stops you. God did nothing but open doors for me. He provided me with a missions position inwhich I can earn school credit and serve Him at the same time. I will be working in journalism/media field and it will be 4 weeks instead of 8 or 10. The scary part: it's international. I've never been out of the United States (with the exception of Canada) and with all of this terrorist stuff you hear all over the news, the thought of an international flight scares me. I'm accepting this call though, and I will go. I trust God to take care of me provide everything I need to get ready for this trip. Because it is a restricted area where the country's government does not allow missionaries or pastors to go, I cannot write on here where I am going this summer. It is in Europe, but that is really all I can say. I really can't put on here what all I will be doing either, but please remember this project in your prayers. I will have partners and I will be working with a local supervisor there. It is exciting, but at the same time, it is alittle scary. I know God must have something big planned for this summer because I can already feel Satan trying to mess with me and do all he can to prevent me from going. I'm warding him off with prayer. We'll see how things go, it's a long time from now until this summer.
I hope to continue updating regularly. Until next time, peace and much love. :)
-B
Friday, December 18, 2009
Gifts
I attended a Christmas party today with four of my best friends. You're probably thinking, "ok, so that matters because..." Well, it is because those friends are a direct answer from God to my prayers. It amazes me how He works in the most mysterious ways sometimes without us even knowing it. Two years ago, I either barely knew these girls or didn't know them at all. Now I can't imagine my life without them.
I haven't always had friends like that. In fact, it's been a long time since I really had any real friends at all. Being a pastor's child, my family moved around a lot. I would make friends, move away, and lose contact with them. I felt alone a lot as a child. To shield myself from the hurt, I would not let myself get close to many people if any at all. Looking back on it I regret that, but there's no use living in the past. I finished highschool with a load of acquantences, but only a small handful of "friends." No best friends. No one I would have trusted with anything. I consider that one of my biggest mistakes. Regardless, God had a way of turning things around for me.
It was the summer after my freshmen year in college. I had just gotten over my stronghold of depression and I was ready to restart a lot of things in my life. I was tired of being lonely and I desperately wanted friends. Not just any friends, but true friends. Real friends. So I started making that a daily prayer request. I prayed that God would send me friends who would be a good influence on me, Christian friends who would lift me up and be true to me. People I could depend on, who wouldn't just "walk out" like so many people in my life have. I wanted people to be honest with me and to help me whenever I was struggling. To be an encouragement and a shoulder to lean on. I started praying that in June and by September, God had brought these girls into my life.
Two of them I had known for a year but had never taken the time to get to know. One of them was an incoming freshmen I had never met and the other was a highschool "friend" who became a best friend. God brought the 5 of us together through a bible study. I had also been praying that summer about having the opportunity to lead one, and one girl had the idea to start one. Out of the blue, she asked me to help her lead a girls bible study and taking it as an opportunity from God, I agreed to help her. Everything else just fell into place. The other 3 girls joined our bible study and the bond was then formed. I couldn't have asked God for more! They were everything I had been praying for and more! It truly is beautiful watching how God works. He brings you the people you need exactly when you need them. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
God doesn't want us to be alone. That's why He created friendship, and I truly believe that there are few bonds stronger than that of human friendships. Love is the center of a friendship and God Himself is love. When it's a bond that He forms, like the bond formed between the 5 of us, I know it will always last. He brought them to me as an answer to my prayers, and I can't stop thanking Him for that. So what have I learned from all this? Don't let your heart be hard to people. Don't be afraid to open up. Who knows what you will miss. Only God knows what I missed in highschool because I was afraid let myself get close to anyone. But by His grace, I had a second chance in college, and He blessed me because this time, I wasn't afraid. I'm not lonely anymore. God gave me the people He wanted me to have. Thank you, Lord. They're far better than anything I could have picked out myself. To You be all the praise.
I haven't always had friends like that. In fact, it's been a long time since I really had any real friends at all. Being a pastor's child, my family moved around a lot. I would make friends, move away, and lose contact with them. I felt alone a lot as a child. To shield myself from the hurt, I would not let myself get close to many people if any at all. Looking back on it I regret that, but there's no use living in the past. I finished highschool with a load of acquantences, but only a small handful of "friends." No best friends. No one I would have trusted with anything. I consider that one of my biggest mistakes. Regardless, God had a way of turning things around for me.
It was the summer after my freshmen year in college. I had just gotten over my stronghold of depression and I was ready to restart a lot of things in my life. I was tired of being lonely and I desperately wanted friends. Not just any friends, but true friends. Real friends. So I started making that a daily prayer request. I prayed that God would send me friends who would be a good influence on me, Christian friends who would lift me up and be true to me. People I could depend on, who wouldn't just "walk out" like so many people in my life have. I wanted people to be honest with me and to help me whenever I was struggling. To be an encouragement and a shoulder to lean on. I started praying that in June and by September, God had brought these girls into my life.
Two of them I had known for a year but had never taken the time to get to know. One of them was an incoming freshmen I had never met and the other was a highschool "friend" who became a best friend. God brought the 5 of us together through a bible study. I had also been praying that summer about having the opportunity to lead one, and one girl had the idea to start one. Out of the blue, she asked me to help her lead a girls bible study and taking it as an opportunity from God, I agreed to help her. Everything else just fell into place. The other 3 girls joined our bible study and the bond was then formed. I couldn't have asked God for more! They were everything I had been praying for and more! It truly is beautiful watching how God works. He brings you the people you need exactly when you need them. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
God doesn't want us to be alone. That's why He created friendship, and I truly believe that there are few bonds stronger than that of human friendships. Love is the center of a friendship and God Himself is love. When it's a bond that He forms, like the bond formed between the 5 of us, I know it will always last. He brought them to me as an answer to my prayers, and I can't stop thanking Him for that. So what have I learned from all this? Don't let your heart be hard to people. Don't be afraid to open up. Who knows what you will miss. Only God knows what I missed in highschool because I was afraid let myself get close to anyone. But by His grace, I had a second chance in college, and He blessed me because this time, I wasn't afraid. I'm not lonely anymore. God gave me the people He wanted me to have. Thank you, Lord. They're far better than anything I could have picked out myself. To You be all the praise.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
New Beginnings
For my first blog, I think it is most beneficial that I share with you my personal story.
I believe life is a lot like a book. It has a beginning and an ending, and it is divided up into chapters. There are different genres to a person's life- we all have a love story, a tragedy, sometimes a thriller, and much comedy. Life is full of emotion. We get sad, angry, and happy all in the same day. Sometimes the worst thing we imagine ever happening to us turns into one of the best things-like a blessing in disguise. People, or "characters" come in and out of our lives, each leaving a different and lasting impression. When one chapter of life closes, another one begins. We live, we grow, and we make mistakes. We learn. With pain comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes good judgement.
I am not the same person I was five years ago. That chapter in my life is closed. I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I'm always changing, always learning, and always growing. It is because of this constant change that I am able to share my story. I have come to grips with the fact that it is a part of me. A part of me that God has given me to share. My life story has not always been beautiful. It has flaws, ugliness, and mistakes. I'm far from perfect and I have no problem admitting it. The only thing that sets me apart is the fact that I am forgiven. God has brought me from the ashes and made my life beautiful.
With that said, here is my story.
I was not always able to share my story. The pain was too much to bear, so I locked it up inside. I put on a happy smile for the world, but on the inside I was dead. I can honestly remember a time in my life where I felt no emotion. Being emotionally numb is the best way I can describe it. I felt pain and that was about all. That and some pangs of embarrassment. This was a time span from age 16 to about 19.
It started with my mom.
For 16 years, I thought we had a good relationship. Like most girls, I adored my mom. I can remember filling out a "what do you want to be when you grow up" sheet in the 1st grade and putting "I want to be a mommy just like my mommy" on it. I still had that sheet up until the day she left. Then I tore it up.
My mom wasn't a bad person. I believe she had some emotional problems. If she had gotten help, none of this probably would have happened. The woman I looked up to, my role model, decided one day she didn't want to be a mother any more. She didn't want to be a wife either, and she was tired of the pressure. We meant nothing to her and she wanted "out." She found someone else and just like that, she was gone. That was in February 2006 and I haven't heard from her since. To this day, I have no idea where she is.
I never will understand why. Why was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? Why was I just a mistake she said she never wanted to even give birth to? I felt so ashamed. At the time, my dad was a pastor of a fairly large Southern Baptist church in a fairly small Mississippi town where word and gossip travels faster than the flu. My family was the talk of the town. Kids looked at me funny at school and whispered things. Life for me suddenly got extremely difficult.
If you know nothing about Southern Baptists, they hate divorce under ANY circumstances, especially when it happens to someone in a leadership position-such as my pastor dad. Usually when that happens, they ask the pastor to resign his position. Aka, they fire him. Fortunantly for us, this church was understanding of the circumstances, and daddy kept his job. The bad part: He had to stand in front of the entire congregation and tell them what happened and why his marriage was coming to an end. The even worse part: I had to sit there and listen to it while everybody looked around and stared at me. That moment was when I lost my ability to feel anything but shame.
If he had been in any other field, he would not have had to stand in front of the judgement seat and confess this shameful act that he had no control over. Some people in the church got mad. They thought he was unfit to teach them about God, so they said hurtful things and left. That made me bitter. I remember thinking "who are you to stand there and say who can and cannot preach? You're not God! God called him to it and only HE can call him out of it!" My heart grew cold towards those people, and what I watched them do and say to my dad scarred me.
Grant it, not everybody was like that. It was only a select few. Most people in our church wrapped loving arms around my dad, my brother, and me and treated us better than we could have ever asked for. That was a God thing. He knew this was going to happen and he put us in that church at that time because He knew they would take care of us. For that I still thank Him to this day.
I deeply missed my mom. My heart ached because she was no longer a part of my life, and she didn't want to be a part of it. I finished highschool without her. I started college without her. Unless something out of the ordinary happens, I will graduate college without her. Someday I will get married without her. I will have children without her. All of this I have come to accept and it still hurts. For a long time I let all of these negative feelings define me. I let them dominate my life, my mindset. I could put on an amazing act for people-let them think nothing bad was going on in my life and that I was handling things, but that was far from the truth. The truth is I was in pain. I quit most activities I was involved in. I withdrew from a lot of people, and I formed very few, if any, relationships. I stopped caring about everything. I am indeed human because I faced a lot of temptations. Alcohol, drugs, anything to numb this pain inside me. The one thing that stopped me was my dad. I knew that if I did these things and he found out, he would be hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. He'd been through enough and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I was the one to cause him pain. So I refrained. I struggled with these feelings for about 3 years.
I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles, but that was only the beginning. When I was 19, my dad met a lady, fell for her, and for a short time, was married to her. What should have been a happy time in my life was probably as close to hell as I have ever been or will be. At first, I didn't take too well to the idea of my dad dating again. Though I hated my mom, I still didn't want her replaced. It was a very complicated emotion. Once again, I put on my happy face for everybody and no one knew how torn up I was on the inside. This woman hated me, and she didn't mind showing it. She tried to convince my dad to take away my car keys because in her opinion, I didn't deserve a car and should stay at school. She thought I should only come home on the holidays. Even then, I doubt she really wanted me to come home. She criticized everything I did and everything I was a part of. Either it was stupid, or I was terrible at it, or she just didn't understand it. Regardless, she was a thorn in my flesh. About a month after they were married, my dad got sick. She decided she didn't want to be married to a sick man, so she anulled the marriage and kicked out.
After all of this emotional damage, I was ready to seek help. I couldn't even handle life anymore so I began to see a christian counselor. Therapy, combined with medicine, combined with letting God back into my life changed me. I became a new person. I came to the point I was able to forgive my mom and even my "wicked stepmom." I was also able to forgive the church people who had hurt me with their words. No, none of them deserved my forgiveness, but at the same time, I didn't deserve Jesus' forgiveness. It was something He gave freely and because I wanted to be like Him, I gave forgiveness freely as well. In the process, I gained peace. Anyone who has ever been a slave to something like I was knows there is no better feeling than the peace that comes with the freedom. I was no longer bound to the chains of my emotions, and it was overwhelming. I had my life back and for that I was so thankful.
In February 2009, my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which is a cancer of the bone marrow. We were all devastated. He had recently resigned from his position as pastor because of a previous illness, and we were living with my grandparents. It was during this time that I learned the meaning of the phrase "when it rains, it pours." He was unemployed, we had just sold our house, and I was still hurting over having to leave a place that I dearly loved. It was easy to let my emotions get the best of me. I am so happy to say that I was able to enter into this storm with an entirely new mindset. I felt at peace about it all, something I didn't have during my other storms. I knew it was in God's hands and he was going to take care of my dad and provide for my family. That's exactly what He did. Today my dad is in remission after undergoing a bone marrow transplant in October and he is recovering well. God is still an active part of my life and I let Him control me, not my emotions. I'm thankful for the hard times because they have brought me wisdom and understanding. God has made me stronger and has blessed me through it all. I'm so greatful to Him for bringing beauty out of the ashes of my life.
I believe life is a lot like a book. It has a beginning and an ending, and it is divided up into chapters. There are different genres to a person's life- we all have a love story, a tragedy, sometimes a thriller, and much comedy. Life is full of emotion. We get sad, angry, and happy all in the same day. Sometimes the worst thing we imagine ever happening to us turns into one of the best things-like a blessing in disguise. People, or "characters" come in and out of our lives, each leaving a different and lasting impression. When one chapter of life closes, another one begins. We live, we grow, and we make mistakes. We learn. With pain comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes good judgement.
I am not the same person I was five years ago. That chapter in my life is closed. I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I'm always changing, always learning, and always growing. It is because of this constant change that I am able to share my story. I have come to grips with the fact that it is a part of me. A part of me that God has given me to share. My life story has not always been beautiful. It has flaws, ugliness, and mistakes. I'm far from perfect and I have no problem admitting it. The only thing that sets me apart is the fact that I am forgiven. God has brought me from the ashes and made my life beautiful.
With that said, here is my story.
I was not always able to share my story. The pain was too much to bear, so I locked it up inside. I put on a happy smile for the world, but on the inside I was dead. I can honestly remember a time in my life where I felt no emotion. Being emotionally numb is the best way I can describe it. I felt pain and that was about all. That and some pangs of embarrassment. This was a time span from age 16 to about 19.
It started with my mom.
For 16 years, I thought we had a good relationship. Like most girls, I adored my mom. I can remember filling out a "what do you want to be when you grow up" sheet in the 1st grade and putting "I want to be a mommy just like my mommy" on it. I still had that sheet up until the day she left. Then I tore it up.
My mom wasn't a bad person. I believe she had some emotional problems. If she had gotten help, none of this probably would have happened. The woman I looked up to, my role model, decided one day she didn't want to be a mother any more. She didn't want to be a wife either, and she was tired of the pressure. We meant nothing to her and she wanted "out." She found someone else and just like that, she was gone. That was in February 2006 and I haven't heard from her since. To this day, I have no idea where she is.
I never will understand why. Why was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? Why was I just a mistake she said she never wanted to even give birth to? I felt so ashamed. At the time, my dad was a pastor of a fairly large Southern Baptist church in a fairly small Mississippi town where word and gossip travels faster than the flu. My family was the talk of the town. Kids looked at me funny at school and whispered things. Life for me suddenly got extremely difficult.
If you know nothing about Southern Baptists, they hate divorce under ANY circumstances, especially when it happens to someone in a leadership position-such as my pastor dad. Usually when that happens, they ask the pastor to resign his position. Aka, they fire him. Fortunantly for us, this church was understanding of the circumstances, and daddy kept his job. The bad part: He had to stand in front of the entire congregation and tell them what happened and why his marriage was coming to an end. The even worse part: I had to sit there and listen to it while everybody looked around and stared at me. That moment was when I lost my ability to feel anything but shame.
If he had been in any other field, he would not have had to stand in front of the judgement seat and confess this shameful act that he had no control over. Some people in the church got mad. They thought he was unfit to teach them about God, so they said hurtful things and left. That made me bitter. I remember thinking "who are you to stand there and say who can and cannot preach? You're not God! God called him to it and only HE can call him out of it!" My heart grew cold towards those people, and what I watched them do and say to my dad scarred me.
Grant it, not everybody was like that. It was only a select few. Most people in our church wrapped loving arms around my dad, my brother, and me and treated us better than we could have ever asked for. That was a God thing. He knew this was going to happen and he put us in that church at that time because He knew they would take care of us. For that I still thank Him to this day.
I deeply missed my mom. My heart ached because she was no longer a part of my life, and she didn't want to be a part of it. I finished highschool without her. I started college without her. Unless something out of the ordinary happens, I will graduate college without her. Someday I will get married without her. I will have children without her. All of this I have come to accept and it still hurts. For a long time I let all of these negative feelings define me. I let them dominate my life, my mindset. I could put on an amazing act for people-let them think nothing bad was going on in my life and that I was handling things, but that was far from the truth. The truth is I was in pain. I quit most activities I was involved in. I withdrew from a lot of people, and I formed very few, if any, relationships. I stopped caring about everything. I am indeed human because I faced a lot of temptations. Alcohol, drugs, anything to numb this pain inside me. The one thing that stopped me was my dad. I knew that if I did these things and he found out, he would be hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. He'd been through enough and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I was the one to cause him pain. So I refrained. I struggled with these feelings for about 3 years.
I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles, but that was only the beginning. When I was 19, my dad met a lady, fell for her, and for a short time, was married to her. What should have been a happy time in my life was probably as close to hell as I have ever been or will be. At first, I didn't take too well to the idea of my dad dating again. Though I hated my mom, I still didn't want her replaced. It was a very complicated emotion. Once again, I put on my happy face for everybody and no one knew how torn up I was on the inside. This woman hated me, and she didn't mind showing it. She tried to convince my dad to take away my car keys because in her opinion, I didn't deserve a car and should stay at school. She thought I should only come home on the holidays. Even then, I doubt she really wanted me to come home. She criticized everything I did and everything I was a part of. Either it was stupid, or I was terrible at it, or she just didn't understand it. Regardless, she was a thorn in my flesh. About a month after they were married, my dad got sick. She decided she didn't want to be married to a sick man, so she anulled the marriage and kicked out.
After all of this emotional damage, I was ready to seek help. I couldn't even handle life anymore so I began to see a christian counselor. Therapy, combined with medicine, combined with letting God back into my life changed me. I became a new person. I came to the point I was able to forgive my mom and even my "wicked stepmom." I was also able to forgive the church people who had hurt me with their words. No, none of them deserved my forgiveness, but at the same time, I didn't deserve Jesus' forgiveness. It was something He gave freely and because I wanted to be like Him, I gave forgiveness freely as well. In the process, I gained peace. Anyone who has ever been a slave to something like I was knows there is no better feeling than the peace that comes with the freedom. I was no longer bound to the chains of my emotions, and it was overwhelming. I had my life back and for that I was so thankful.
In February 2009, my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which is a cancer of the bone marrow. We were all devastated. He had recently resigned from his position as pastor because of a previous illness, and we were living with my grandparents. It was during this time that I learned the meaning of the phrase "when it rains, it pours." He was unemployed, we had just sold our house, and I was still hurting over having to leave a place that I dearly loved. It was easy to let my emotions get the best of me. I am so happy to say that I was able to enter into this storm with an entirely new mindset. I felt at peace about it all, something I didn't have during my other storms. I knew it was in God's hands and he was going to take care of my dad and provide for my family. That's exactly what He did. Today my dad is in remission after undergoing a bone marrow transplant in October and he is recovering well. God is still an active part of my life and I let Him control me, not my emotions. I'm thankful for the hard times because they have brought me wisdom and understanding. God has made me stronger and has blessed me through it all. I'm so greatful to Him for bringing beauty out of the ashes of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
