I attended a Christmas party today with four of my best friends. You're probably thinking, "ok, so that matters because..." Well, it is because those friends are a direct answer from God to my prayers. It amazes me how He works in the most mysterious ways sometimes without us even knowing it. Two years ago, I either barely knew these girls or didn't know them at all. Now I can't imagine my life without them.
I haven't always had friends like that. In fact, it's been a long time since I really had any real friends at all. Being a pastor's child, my family moved around a lot. I would make friends, move away, and lose contact with them. I felt alone a lot as a child. To shield myself from the hurt, I would not let myself get close to many people if any at all. Looking back on it I regret that, but there's no use living in the past. I finished highschool with a load of acquantences, but only a small handful of "friends." No best friends. No one I would have trusted with anything. I consider that one of my biggest mistakes. Regardless, God had a way of turning things around for me.
It was the summer after my freshmen year in college. I had just gotten over my stronghold of depression and I was ready to restart a lot of things in my life. I was tired of being lonely and I desperately wanted friends. Not just any friends, but true friends. Real friends. So I started making that a daily prayer request. I prayed that God would send me friends who would be a good influence on me, Christian friends who would lift me up and be true to me. People I could depend on, who wouldn't just "walk out" like so many people in my life have. I wanted people to be honest with me and to help me whenever I was struggling. To be an encouragement and a shoulder to lean on. I started praying that in June and by September, God had brought these girls into my life.
Two of them I had known for a year but had never taken the time to get to know. One of them was an incoming freshmen I had never met and the other was a highschool "friend" who became a best friend. God brought the 5 of us together through a bible study. I had also been praying that summer about having the opportunity to lead one, and one girl had the idea to start one. Out of the blue, she asked me to help her lead a girls bible study and taking it as an opportunity from God, I agreed to help her. Everything else just fell into place. The other 3 girls joined our bible study and the bond was then formed. I couldn't have asked God for more! They were everything I had been praying for and more! It truly is beautiful watching how God works. He brings you the people you need exactly when you need them. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
God doesn't want us to be alone. That's why He created friendship, and I truly believe that there are few bonds stronger than that of human friendships. Love is the center of a friendship and God Himself is love. When it's a bond that He forms, like the bond formed between the 5 of us, I know it will always last. He brought them to me as an answer to my prayers, and I can't stop thanking Him for that. So what have I learned from all this? Don't let your heart be hard to people. Don't be afraid to open up. Who knows what you will miss. Only God knows what I missed in highschool because I was afraid let myself get close to anyone. But by His grace, I had a second chance in college, and He blessed me because this time, I wasn't afraid. I'm not lonely anymore. God gave me the people He wanted me to have. Thank you, Lord. They're far better than anything I could have picked out myself. To You be all the praise.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
New Beginnings
For my first blog, I think it is most beneficial that I share with you my personal story.
I believe life is a lot like a book. It has a beginning and an ending, and it is divided up into chapters. There are different genres to a person's life- we all have a love story, a tragedy, sometimes a thriller, and much comedy. Life is full of emotion. We get sad, angry, and happy all in the same day. Sometimes the worst thing we imagine ever happening to us turns into one of the best things-like a blessing in disguise. People, or "characters" come in and out of our lives, each leaving a different and lasting impression. When one chapter of life closes, another one begins. We live, we grow, and we make mistakes. We learn. With pain comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes good judgement.
I am not the same person I was five years ago. That chapter in my life is closed. I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I'm always changing, always learning, and always growing. It is because of this constant change that I am able to share my story. I have come to grips with the fact that it is a part of me. A part of me that God has given me to share. My life story has not always been beautiful. It has flaws, ugliness, and mistakes. I'm far from perfect and I have no problem admitting it. The only thing that sets me apart is the fact that I am forgiven. God has brought me from the ashes and made my life beautiful.
With that said, here is my story.
I was not always able to share my story. The pain was too much to bear, so I locked it up inside. I put on a happy smile for the world, but on the inside I was dead. I can honestly remember a time in my life where I felt no emotion. Being emotionally numb is the best way I can describe it. I felt pain and that was about all. That and some pangs of embarrassment. This was a time span from age 16 to about 19.
It started with my mom.
For 16 years, I thought we had a good relationship. Like most girls, I adored my mom. I can remember filling out a "what do you want to be when you grow up" sheet in the 1st grade and putting "I want to be a mommy just like my mommy" on it. I still had that sheet up until the day she left. Then I tore it up.
My mom wasn't a bad person. I believe she had some emotional problems. If she had gotten help, none of this probably would have happened. The woman I looked up to, my role model, decided one day she didn't want to be a mother any more. She didn't want to be a wife either, and she was tired of the pressure. We meant nothing to her and she wanted "out." She found someone else and just like that, she was gone. That was in February 2006 and I haven't heard from her since. To this day, I have no idea where she is.
I never will understand why. Why was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? Why was I just a mistake she said she never wanted to even give birth to? I felt so ashamed. At the time, my dad was a pastor of a fairly large Southern Baptist church in a fairly small Mississippi town where word and gossip travels faster than the flu. My family was the talk of the town. Kids looked at me funny at school and whispered things. Life for me suddenly got extremely difficult.
If you know nothing about Southern Baptists, they hate divorce under ANY circumstances, especially when it happens to someone in a leadership position-such as my pastor dad. Usually when that happens, they ask the pastor to resign his position. Aka, they fire him. Fortunantly for us, this church was understanding of the circumstances, and daddy kept his job. The bad part: He had to stand in front of the entire congregation and tell them what happened and why his marriage was coming to an end. The even worse part: I had to sit there and listen to it while everybody looked around and stared at me. That moment was when I lost my ability to feel anything but shame.
If he had been in any other field, he would not have had to stand in front of the judgement seat and confess this shameful act that he had no control over. Some people in the church got mad. They thought he was unfit to teach them about God, so they said hurtful things and left. That made me bitter. I remember thinking "who are you to stand there and say who can and cannot preach? You're not God! God called him to it and only HE can call him out of it!" My heart grew cold towards those people, and what I watched them do and say to my dad scarred me.
Grant it, not everybody was like that. It was only a select few. Most people in our church wrapped loving arms around my dad, my brother, and me and treated us better than we could have ever asked for. That was a God thing. He knew this was going to happen and he put us in that church at that time because He knew they would take care of us. For that I still thank Him to this day.
I deeply missed my mom. My heart ached because she was no longer a part of my life, and she didn't want to be a part of it. I finished highschool without her. I started college without her. Unless something out of the ordinary happens, I will graduate college without her. Someday I will get married without her. I will have children without her. All of this I have come to accept and it still hurts. For a long time I let all of these negative feelings define me. I let them dominate my life, my mindset. I could put on an amazing act for people-let them think nothing bad was going on in my life and that I was handling things, but that was far from the truth. The truth is I was in pain. I quit most activities I was involved in. I withdrew from a lot of people, and I formed very few, if any, relationships. I stopped caring about everything. I am indeed human because I faced a lot of temptations. Alcohol, drugs, anything to numb this pain inside me. The one thing that stopped me was my dad. I knew that if I did these things and he found out, he would be hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. He'd been through enough and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I was the one to cause him pain. So I refrained. I struggled with these feelings for about 3 years.
I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles, but that was only the beginning. When I was 19, my dad met a lady, fell for her, and for a short time, was married to her. What should have been a happy time in my life was probably as close to hell as I have ever been or will be. At first, I didn't take too well to the idea of my dad dating again. Though I hated my mom, I still didn't want her replaced. It was a very complicated emotion. Once again, I put on my happy face for everybody and no one knew how torn up I was on the inside. This woman hated me, and she didn't mind showing it. She tried to convince my dad to take away my car keys because in her opinion, I didn't deserve a car and should stay at school. She thought I should only come home on the holidays. Even then, I doubt she really wanted me to come home. She criticized everything I did and everything I was a part of. Either it was stupid, or I was terrible at it, or she just didn't understand it. Regardless, she was a thorn in my flesh. About a month after they were married, my dad got sick. She decided she didn't want to be married to a sick man, so she anulled the marriage and kicked out.
After all of this emotional damage, I was ready to seek help. I couldn't even handle life anymore so I began to see a christian counselor. Therapy, combined with medicine, combined with letting God back into my life changed me. I became a new person. I came to the point I was able to forgive my mom and even my "wicked stepmom." I was also able to forgive the church people who had hurt me with their words. No, none of them deserved my forgiveness, but at the same time, I didn't deserve Jesus' forgiveness. It was something He gave freely and because I wanted to be like Him, I gave forgiveness freely as well. In the process, I gained peace. Anyone who has ever been a slave to something like I was knows there is no better feeling than the peace that comes with the freedom. I was no longer bound to the chains of my emotions, and it was overwhelming. I had my life back and for that I was so thankful.
In February 2009, my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which is a cancer of the bone marrow. We were all devastated. He had recently resigned from his position as pastor because of a previous illness, and we were living with my grandparents. It was during this time that I learned the meaning of the phrase "when it rains, it pours." He was unemployed, we had just sold our house, and I was still hurting over having to leave a place that I dearly loved. It was easy to let my emotions get the best of me. I am so happy to say that I was able to enter into this storm with an entirely new mindset. I felt at peace about it all, something I didn't have during my other storms. I knew it was in God's hands and he was going to take care of my dad and provide for my family. That's exactly what He did. Today my dad is in remission after undergoing a bone marrow transplant in October and he is recovering well. God is still an active part of my life and I let Him control me, not my emotions. I'm thankful for the hard times because they have brought me wisdom and understanding. God has made me stronger and has blessed me through it all. I'm so greatful to Him for bringing beauty out of the ashes of my life.
I believe life is a lot like a book. It has a beginning and an ending, and it is divided up into chapters. There are different genres to a person's life- we all have a love story, a tragedy, sometimes a thriller, and much comedy. Life is full of emotion. We get sad, angry, and happy all in the same day. Sometimes the worst thing we imagine ever happening to us turns into one of the best things-like a blessing in disguise. People, or "characters" come in and out of our lives, each leaving a different and lasting impression. When one chapter of life closes, another one begins. We live, we grow, and we make mistakes. We learn. With pain comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes good judgement.
I am not the same person I was five years ago. That chapter in my life is closed. I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I'm always changing, always learning, and always growing. It is because of this constant change that I am able to share my story. I have come to grips with the fact that it is a part of me. A part of me that God has given me to share. My life story has not always been beautiful. It has flaws, ugliness, and mistakes. I'm far from perfect and I have no problem admitting it. The only thing that sets me apart is the fact that I am forgiven. God has brought me from the ashes and made my life beautiful.
With that said, here is my story.
I was not always able to share my story. The pain was too much to bear, so I locked it up inside. I put on a happy smile for the world, but on the inside I was dead. I can honestly remember a time in my life where I felt no emotion. Being emotionally numb is the best way I can describe it. I felt pain and that was about all. That and some pangs of embarrassment. This was a time span from age 16 to about 19.
It started with my mom.
For 16 years, I thought we had a good relationship. Like most girls, I adored my mom. I can remember filling out a "what do you want to be when you grow up" sheet in the 1st grade and putting "I want to be a mommy just like my mommy" on it. I still had that sheet up until the day she left. Then I tore it up.
My mom wasn't a bad person. I believe she had some emotional problems. If she had gotten help, none of this probably would have happened. The woman I looked up to, my role model, decided one day she didn't want to be a mother any more. She didn't want to be a wife either, and she was tired of the pressure. We meant nothing to her and she wanted "out." She found someone else and just like that, she was gone. That was in February 2006 and I haven't heard from her since. To this day, I have no idea where she is.
I never will understand why. Why was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? Why was I just a mistake she said she never wanted to even give birth to? I felt so ashamed. At the time, my dad was a pastor of a fairly large Southern Baptist church in a fairly small Mississippi town where word and gossip travels faster than the flu. My family was the talk of the town. Kids looked at me funny at school and whispered things. Life for me suddenly got extremely difficult.
If you know nothing about Southern Baptists, they hate divorce under ANY circumstances, especially when it happens to someone in a leadership position-such as my pastor dad. Usually when that happens, they ask the pastor to resign his position. Aka, they fire him. Fortunantly for us, this church was understanding of the circumstances, and daddy kept his job. The bad part: He had to stand in front of the entire congregation and tell them what happened and why his marriage was coming to an end. The even worse part: I had to sit there and listen to it while everybody looked around and stared at me. That moment was when I lost my ability to feel anything but shame.
If he had been in any other field, he would not have had to stand in front of the judgement seat and confess this shameful act that he had no control over. Some people in the church got mad. They thought he was unfit to teach them about God, so they said hurtful things and left. That made me bitter. I remember thinking "who are you to stand there and say who can and cannot preach? You're not God! God called him to it and only HE can call him out of it!" My heart grew cold towards those people, and what I watched them do and say to my dad scarred me.
Grant it, not everybody was like that. It was only a select few. Most people in our church wrapped loving arms around my dad, my brother, and me and treated us better than we could have ever asked for. That was a God thing. He knew this was going to happen and he put us in that church at that time because He knew they would take care of us. For that I still thank Him to this day.
I deeply missed my mom. My heart ached because she was no longer a part of my life, and she didn't want to be a part of it. I finished highschool without her. I started college without her. Unless something out of the ordinary happens, I will graduate college without her. Someday I will get married without her. I will have children without her. All of this I have come to accept and it still hurts. For a long time I let all of these negative feelings define me. I let them dominate my life, my mindset. I could put on an amazing act for people-let them think nothing bad was going on in my life and that I was handling things, but that was far from the truth. The truth is I was in pain. I quit most activities I was involved in. I withdrew from a lot of people, and I formed very few, if any, relationships. I stopped caring about everything. I am indeed human because I faced a lot of temptations. Alcohol, drugs, anything to numb this pain inside me. The one thing that stopped me was my dad. I knew that if I did these things and he found out, he would be hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. He'd been through enough and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I was the one to cause him pain. So I refrained. I struggled with these feelings for about 3 years.
I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles, but that was only the beginning. When I was 19, my dad met a lady, fell for her, and for a short time, was married to her. What should have been a happy time in my life was probably as close to hell as I have ever been or will be. At first, I didn't take too well to the idea of my dad dating again. Though I hated my mom, I still didn't want her replaced. It was a very complicated emotion. Once again, I put on my happy face for everybody and no one knew how torn up I was on the inside. This woman hated me, and she didn't mind showing it. She tried to convince my dad to take away my car keys because in her opinion, I didn't deserve a car and should stay at school. She thought I should only come home on the holidays. Even then, I doubt she really wanted me to come home. She criticized everything I did and everything I was a part of. Either it was stupid, or I was terrible at it, or she just didn't understand it. Regardless, she was a thorn in my flesh. About a month after they were married, my dad got sick. She decided she didn't want to be married to a sick man, so she anulled the marriage and kicked out.
After all of this emotional damage, I was ready to seek help. I couldn't even handle life anymore so I began to see a christian counselor. Therapy, combined with medicine, combined with letting God back into my life changed me. I became a new person. I came to the point I was able to forgive my mom and even my "wicked stepmom." I was also able to forgive the church people who had hurt me with their words. No, none of them deserved my forgiveness, but at the same time, I didn't deserve Jesus' forgiveness. It was something He gave freely and because I wanted to be like Him, I gave forgiveness freely as well. In the process, I gained peace. Anyone who has ever been a slave to something like I was knows there is no better feeling than the peace that comes with the freedom. I was no longer bound to the chains of my emotions, and it was overwhelming. I had my life back and for that I was so thankful.
In February 2009, my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which is a cancer of the bone marrow. We were all devastated. He had recently resigned from his position as pastor because of a previous illness, and we were living with my grandparents. It was during this time that I learned the meaning of the phrase "when it rains, it pours." He was unemployed, we had just sold our house, and I was still hurting over having to leave a place that I dearly loved. It was easy to let my emotions get the best of me. I am so happy to say that I was able to enter into this storm with an entirely new mindset. I felt at peace about it all, something I didn't have during my other storms. I knew it was in God's hands and he was going to take care of my dad and provide for my family. That's exactly what He did. Today my dad is in remission after undergoing a bone marrow transplant in October and he is recovering well. God is still an active part of my life and I let Him control me, not my emotions. I'm thankful for the hard times because they have brought me wisdom and understanding. God has made me stronger and has blessed me through it all. I'm so greatful to Him for bringing beauty out of the ashes of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
